Well as you might have deduced, I graduated. You might also have sussed out that I have missed a few months of posting. I realize in March, when my post was a glorified post-it note saying “IOU don’t B mad LOL”, that maybe posting every month wasn’t a great goal if I had nothing to say. Well strap in! I do now! I can’t say this is a particularly upbeat post, but I have been stewing on it for a few months. In April, I walked at graduation. I had about two paragraphs written about the ceremony and then just a blinking cursor at the end of an unfinished sentence for a few months. I, of course, have a myriad of excuses why this sentence (well, post) didn’t get finished but the truth is that I don’t think they matter. The long and short of it was ‘if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t bother the World Wide Web about it’. I’d like to, if I may, talk about what I had started in April.

                The first ground-breaking work was coming up with the title for the blog before the blog and well… it stuck. I wanted to go into the mating season of Doves and how waking up to seemingly unwanted dove mating was NOT the way to start your graduation morning… I’ve moved past it as I don’t really remember it. I do remember, maybe from this trip maybe from childhood, the rustling sound of the desert. There is always some dry leave crossing the ground, some creepy crawly making its way without bothering to lotion up… It seems insignificant, really, unless you can put it as poetically as myself. The desert sounds, though, contributed a lot to the feelings below- the feelings of vast and inexplicable just… not belonging. Just miles and miles of nothing and yet also a lot that is seemingly barely out of reach. The desert is not the place to stew about your own insignificance. But, then again, where is?

                Secondly, I walked. Got an empty purple leather bound thing-a-ma-jig, a bible with my schools logo, and a crisp hand shake from some unknown professor. I traveled to the hot hot state of Arizona to wear a cool black polyester robe with fancy sleeves that conveniently held my trinkets, a purple and yellow hood, and a grad cap with ’22 on it. I wore this with 700 other of my closest peers and walked across a brightly lit stage after being man-handled, told to smile, and sheep herded into the spot light. It was over before I could even say “Go Lopes? WTF is a Lope?”. I have… so much school spirit. It was, overall, a very nice ceremony filled with laughter (not mine), tears (again, not mine), and feelings of pride (for sure not mine). The pictures below are for your viewing pleasure, as apparently family likes to see this sort of thing? But weren’t really my idea (thanks for making me take them, though, Kiki). Now you might be reading and thinking ‘what’s with the ‘tude, youngin? Aren’t ya proud?’ The truth is I’m not particularly feeling any sort of way. That is why the blinking cursor taunted me to finish writing for the last few months.

                In all honesty as I sat staring up at some nice young acapella kids singing old bible hymns, surrounded by other graduates, family, and faculty I’d never heard of, I felt one glaring thing: I didn’t belong there. For basically my entire Master’s degree I’d felt that I didn’t work hard enough, school was too easy, I didn’t deserve the degree I was basically being handed because I showed up to class, did all my homework, and paid a lot of money. I felt like a fraud as I lowered down to have a Master’s hood placed around my neck and someone grabbed me by both shoulders, looked me right in my eye and said ‘congratulations’. I felt like an imposter sitting next to all of these other adults who clearly had seen more in life than myself and worked towards something they wanted-the same degree as myself. Master’s Degree? More like greasing the palms of the admissions people with my money to sneak to the professors who gave me a grade. (I would like the record to show that this is not what happened, merely a feeling of inadequacy). I looked up into the crowd to see my loving support people who were crying and proud and I felt… like I tricked everyone. I didn’t want this degree, I didn’t feel as if I worked hard for it, and I certainly didn’t plan (don’t plan) on this being my final graduation. So why oh why was everyone so excited for me?

                These feelings are still ones I grapple with every day. I struggle at my job as I’ve been transitioning out of my Admin role where I know what I’m doing and thrive, into my role as a clinician where I feel out of my depth every day. I have officially accepted the role as a clinical intake therapist which makes me feel slightly better than being a group counselor. Assessments are something I feel less incompetent in because it is one hour with one person. I will grant myself this-I’ve worked really hard in my internship. I have put up with more than my fair share of criticisms (if you think I’M hard on myself, you should have been in my supervision sessions…yeeesh), editing, eating humble pie, and learning curves. But I made it through all that with a genuine ‘I think you’re ready’ from the several people whom I looked up to.

                It is hard for me to really admit to these feelings of inadequacy because I am in charge of other’s mental health and making sure they get the right help. It is hard because I don’t have the luxury of second guessing myself anymore. I don’t have the right to down play the hard work I put into school, the hours I spent reading in school and out, the homework assignments I got in on time, the sheer amount of hours I put in at school and work to do better for myself, and the training that I have received and sought out for myself. It is difficult to face something that I really don’t want to: I am qualified to do what I am doing. I have feelings of inadequacy but those do not serve me when I am in the helping profession. I have dread that one day my office, my school, my advisors will wake up and say ‘I’d been lying to you this whole time, you’re not ready at all.’ I walk around feeling as if I don’t belong but that isn’t a true feeling. If I am to sit in front of a group of people and talk about imposture syndrome and self-compassion, I had better start practicing what I preach.

                Don’t get me wrong, those feelings are there and likely will always be. But it is the actions to overcome or ignore that are the more fascinating to me, which is *hair flip* absolutely iconic. As I sit and confuse myself, it is a small wonder that I am able to maintain any sort of relationships ever. I have a Master’s degree and still feel as if I shouldn’t be able to say that out loud. I don’t feel as if I have the wherewithal or the gumption to really be anyone. I want to sit in my underwear eating fruit loops and reading trashy romance like the good old days. Yet, here we are; writing this post from a new office covered in plants that I propagated (hold the applause, please, I’m like… so embarrassed by your praise of my unexpected green-thumb). I am writing because I finally have something they call “free time” which is completely foreign to me. I’ve been effectively kicked out of my old admin job as I’ve handed over all my projects to my old co-workers and have joined the circle of clinicians. Do I feel like a kid visiting? Yes. Do I feel like someone should be babysitting me and double checking all my work? Everyday. But I am facing my own demons every day and showing up (cue back drop spot light, intense music, wind in my hair, and roaring applause).

                I think (hope) for the most part that is where I am now. I felt more fraud-y in April and the post I had drafted wasn’t even good for a laugh. But that is my update! I am switching roles, officially, on July 5. It will be the first time (excluding a few months of COVID quarantine) that I’m in the states with a job and not doing school or planning to live in another country. Let’s see how long I last without signing up for a post-grad certifications or a PHd Program… (yikes, Kallie). Thanks for your patience and continued reading (Hi, Bapa). I’ll lay off of the lofty goals and just post when I post! Ya esta y adios.