There seems to be some magic in “the moment before”… the moment before you walk into a job interview and find out what you’re really made of; the moment before a bride turns the corner and feels all eyes on her but can only see one set waiting for her at the end of a long walkway; the moment before you introduce yourself to someone for the first time; the moment before you say hello to an old friend; the moment before you hold your breath and jump off a cliff into the water below you where you just saw a white catfish and swore it was a sign; the moment before you tell someone how you really feel about them and know for better or worse, there is no turning back. This moment before, when you take a deep breath, when your senses sharpen, when you can hear blood pounding in your ears, time seems to stop. I wonder what really happens in that lifetime of a moment. Is it God quieting your heart and mind to allow you to see clearly? Is it magic that allows you to see time flowing by you but not actually touching you for a few clear seconds? Or is it some evolutionary hunter gene that can easily be explained by a neurologist in words that you don’t understand?

            I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this feeling recently. I saw an old friend from the Peace Corps a few months ago as she traveled from California; she had been my supervisor in Panama and kept clear professional boundaries, but I knew at a similar age, we would make good friends. I sat in my car and watched her walk the streets of Portland up to the coffee shop we were supposed to meet. I saw her a few blocks ahead, but for some reason didn’t move out of my car until she was in my rear view looking around outside for me. I could hear my breathing. I saw life happen all around me; a woman in a yellow vest walking her very scruffy dog, a raven landed on a graffitied construction site, a father was texting and walking while a very young-looking boy peddled on a bike in front of him. I saw all this, but nothing registered but watching my friend walk up. Would this be a formal meeting? Was she just meeting me for coffee because she was obligated as I knew she was so near me geographically currently? All this anxiety bubbled up into the deep breath I took and held-this was my moment before. Just as I didn’t pay attention to the world around me, the world around me didn’t shift as I got out of my car and greeted her. We sat and chatted for longer than I expected, and she opened up about her life now that we were no longer in a professional relationship. I relaxed almost immediately until another moment happened.

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “Of course, anything.”

She asked her question and there it was-the moment before I told her something deeply personal. I held my breath and blinked the seconds away; was it seconds or hours ago she asked? In this moment I thought of a million things, feelings, memories, and pain before I let out a laughing breath and gave her the answer to the question she asked. Did I know when I saw her walking up the street, I’d share such personal memories? Was that the buzzing I felt in my chest in that moment, that I knew things were different this time around? Before I answered her question, we were getting friendlier but hadn’t fully crossed a line to friendship, and then a moment passed, and she felt kindred to me. One second. One blink of my eyes and a laugh and the moment passed, a decision made, a friendship solidified.

            After receiving an email from a job about an interview I go into business mode where I study interview techniques, practice my Spanish, and daydream about the possibilities of this job, who I’ll meet, what sort of opportunities I’ll have, and what my life will look like. I think I live 3 lives before an interview and hope for possibilities. Those are only made possible before the actual time of the interview. They all dissipate the second I see the faces of my interviewers and words come out of their mouths. After the interview is the sense of reality and that magical sense buzzing around my head is gone, I must think of the real world now.

            Jumping off a cliff and having a difficult conversation with someone is much the same. Taylor Swift has it right in her song “Betty” when she sings “Betty right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again”. The anxiety and fear of rejection are just as powerful as the fear of physical injury before you dive. My father’s voice trills in my mind “Make sure to jump OUT, don’t just fall”; it’s good advice for both. Being proactive in your own life can feel daunting and it doesn’t always work out in your favor. Sitting down to have a “I think we want different things” talk hoping for a “no, I’m sorry, it’s been a hard time” but getting a “Yeah, you’re probably right… oh well!” The heartbreak of all the positive possibilities shatters into the air as time comes wooshing back to you and knocks the wind out of you. Conversely, telling someone you have feelings for them expecting a “oooo thanks but no thanks, bud” but having the feelings met in kind sparks a whole new realm of options for moments before. It’s the jumping AWAY from the timeless second where your sense are heightened and you didn’t even realize that your body is mid-air, but your instincts, or magic, or God knows and helps you to hold your breath before you hit the water and the moment ends.          

    I have been pondering this feeling recently because this whole year has felt like a moment before stuffed with real moments. The moment before I came home to a loving family and friends but feel stuck as if I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. The moment before I clicked accept and started school just to realize that it means adulthood has started for me in a real way. The moment before a vaccine and life goes back to what we thought was normal… and I suppose I don’t have a clever BUT for that scenario… this could be a huge rejection and life changes drastically or it could play out beautifully and leave us all with more moments to look forward to. This year feels as if I am in the moment before something I’m not even aware of yet; adulthood, spiritual awakening, love, loss… Whatever is to come next, I guess now is some of the last times/last time I can make the split second decisions to shape my future.