As you loyal readers know I straight up haven’t been having a good time. I’ve tried to remain transparent with how my life is down here. It is NOT all rainbows and butterflies (although there are plenty of both). Peace Corps has been challenging, easy, boring, hard, frustrating and so so rewarding. In the position I am in, sometimes it is hard to remember why I even came down here or stay for that matter (especially when every phone call to someone from home includes someone saying “who cares just give up and come home you don’t even need to be there” which PS is not helpful… cough). But yesterday I was reminded why I am here.

I have started cross stitching again. It’s something small but it’s always been something I love to do. It is relaxing to me and helps me think in a quiet space. (I’ve taken to practicing my accents or sining during but that is another story) On Wednesday night, mid stitch I thought “Forget this.. I’m forcing my host family to see me”. Recently my host grandmother passed (in January) and my host family was struggling with that. I was not so subtly asked to give the family some space (understandable). But after a few weeks when I text my host sister I wasn’t met with an overwhelming “OMG KALLIE WE MISS YOU!!” So I assumed I should still stay away. I took the under whelming welcome in the most American way possible and didn’t consider it under a different lense. This was very isolating… I felt that there was no point of me even being in Panama if I had no Panamanian connections. I was feeling like a fish in a small bowl in a larger tank… able to see what is outside but not really involved in it. But amid my stitch I was over it.. I missed hanging with my host sister and wanted to give my family the regalitos (little gifts) I had brought back from home. My host sister answered my text and said “Of course come over anytime you’re always welcome” to which my jaw dropped. So I planned my day around going to their house even though I had some work to get done.

At 11 I headed over to their house and was met with wide smiles and my host dad re-assuring me (as he always does) that his house was my house and I never needed permission. (Usually people say “permisso” (asking permission) before entering a house to which is met with “Pase!” (come on in, basically)). When I asked for “permisso” he said (in his most precious english) “No no, your house.” I walked in and just chatted with my host sister about everything. There was some wild bonchinche (gossip) about one of her co-workers. The guy claimed to have gone to china and was feeling sick so David hospital SHUT DOWN in preparation for corona virus… Turns out the guy is a compulsive liar and definitely didn’t go to china and only had a mild common cold… we spent a good few hours cracking up about that. I learned my Spanish is slipping as I tried to talk to my host mom in Spanish and found myself struggling to remember simple vocab. But she sat with me patiently and listened to my stories about carnaval and going home.

After a few hours I left to go do my work at a cafe with strong wifi and AC. I am not sure if my previous blogs have explained this… but David is HOT. In this summer season it is consistently 32 with about 50% humidity (grow up and google the conversion of celsius). So basically I live my life sweating and mildly dehydrated. At this cafe I got a ton of work done. I feel more productive when I am doing work for the Peace Corps more than when I’m at my school. Partly because it’s been summer term and most of the professors are out and partly because I need to approach my job differently and it feels daunting right now. BUT! I got a lot of work done for the Peace Corps and felt really good.

A friend of mine randomly came to hang out with me for an hour after his lunch break! He is fluent in English and has become a really good contact for everything in panama. I enjoy hanging out with him because he lived in the states for 5 years so knows what it’s like to be in a new country with few friends and has really made sure I’m getting the full David/Chiriqui experience. He came and explained the David Feria coming up next week and we just laughed about nothing while hanging out.

On my way home, there is a small tienda (connivence store) that is just a window. I don’t usually stop at it, but when I do the nice old man (Señor Jamie) always shyly talks to me. I am not sure what possessed me to do it, but I strolled over just to say hi. Turns out he lives right next to me and his nephew studies english as another college and he wants me to help him! He asked me about Peace Corps and my job here and we talked about Oregon for a while. It was fun to practice my Spanish with him and I walked away just smiling. Usually half our job is community integration and something they call “pasearing”.. I have not been expected to do this in my community as my community is a capitol city and often feel jipped from a cultural experience. But recently I’ve just shifted my focus… I can go talk to Señor Jamie or Lorena who runs the fruit stand where I get all my produce. She calls me Mami (which is an endearment from other women but don’t get me wrong when a man calls me that he gets a full view of the bird I keep on both hands) and she always makes me feel special when I go in. I also have my landlady who is a bit scatterbrained but so sweet and always has a 30 second conversation with me when I pass her house. It isn’t full community integration but it is more than I give it credit for.

I was reminded yesterday that I need to stop looking at everything through my American glasses but put on my Peace Corps goggles and figure it out. I am in charge of my own happiness and what I do down here. Not everyday will be good, not every week will be… but there is a part in everyday that makes me grateful to be where I am. I am enjoying my life down here and I look forward to finishing my next year to the best of my ability!

Now everyone at home can stop telling me to come home 😀

Quickly on Carnaval… I went to Las Tablas which is the area in the middle and south of the country. It is the biggest party area for Carnaval! I knew even though it wasn’t really my scene there was no way I would forgive myself if I missed it due to social anxiety. So I went with a group of friends! During the day is the “culeco” party. Basically huge tankards of water with a fire hose and people just stand in a certain area with LOUD reggeton music, packed in like sardines, drinking and being sprayed with water. It sounds just as jarring and strange as it was… but also more fun that I anticipated. There was parades too to display the Reinas (queens). There are two chosen: Calle Arriba and Calle Abajo (up street and down street). I’ve been told Las Tablas is the only place to do two queens but I would fact check me on that. These queens compete all week against each other and people choose a side. They have “tuna” which are supporters who find dirt on the other and make rude songs and they pick at the other queen… I wasn’t a huge fan of this part (que feo- how ugly) because it just appropriates women tearing down other women and appropriating men tearing down women for their bodies or lifestyles… then again that is just my view of it… trying to “dive” more into the culture and not force my views on anyone else. The floats themselves were INSANE and so so beautiful. (I have zero photos during the day because they recommend not brining phones and I took that seriously) I heard between the outfits and float they were worth $15k. Go ahead… let your jaw drop… mine certainly did. It was hot and crowded and a thing I am ok doing only once in my life… but overall I enjoyed myself immensely! The nighttime was also pure locura (craziness) we went to discotechas and danced until 3am. So much fun. I have to admit the longer I’m here the more I’m exposed to the music and I finally know some lyrics now! It’s much more fun when you can sing along. We did this for a few days and somehow left before the craziest days. But I was very happy to be home in all honesty.

I know this happens all over the world, but sometimes my privilege hit me in weird ways. Here i was dancing in clean drinkable water that was just being sprayed for entertainment when communities I’ve been in have trouble even getting running let alone clean water. There is a crisis here and here I was participating in the waste of it. It was a really hard thing for me to balance-enjoying the culture that would go on with or without me or trying to boycott it and… what, kallie? change years and years of tradition? It was a strange place to be faced with my own privilege as a volunteer and as a North American. Not a fun thing to face when you’re trying to party down… but I am grateful for the reality check and the new mindset that Peace Corps has given me.

Ok Ya esta! Two blogs within two weeks?! Maybe don’t get used to it…. But I am trying to write more often so the updates aren’t insane. Thank you for continuing on my journey 🙂