It’s almost been too long to give both a personal and professional update and the task, in all honesty seems too daunting to do coherently. So my loyal readers, welcome to what may very well be a stream of conscious thought with no real sense making.

Let’s start with what everyone is dying to know- Yes, I did turn 30. Wow, Kallie, how do you feel? Um… 30? This answer is a bit two pronged. Part of me feels zero change. I am still happy with life choices and I know that I am still young. I have many many good years left in me to make mistakes and be selfish. The other part of me is staring down the barrel of a gun labeled “what the hell are you doing after peace corps?” Because I have no clue. I have given myself until April to try and live presently and enjoy my time here in Panama, but it’s not going over as well as I would like. I know that, while I have many good years left, I need to make a choice soon: to keep travel and be the “cool” aunt for a long time… or maybe try to meet some rugged handsome person in the future and we travel for a while then settle down and call our succulents our kids (I’ve been watching a lot of rom-coms) OR do I try to figure out if there is something that I am willing to do in the states and maybe I should try growing some roots instead of chopping them up with a machete so that I can spread my wings unencumbered. I am living in a state of mild panic under the surface of already pretty obvious stress that I put on myself about a job that, to be quite frank, would function just fine without me here. But, we are working on that in our old age. Besides the obvious crisis of the actual age of 30, overall the experience was wonderful. I went home for the holidays and got to spend this milestone with my family. We kept with the tradition of a Tea Party but this year went to the Heathman to feel fancy. I felt so much love and was very happy all day. I think the best part was dinner: Taco Bell.

Going home for the holidays was a really fun time but also a bit stressful. I knew what to expect from a culture shock point of view so was prepared in that way… but I didn’t realize how miserable I had been in panama until I went home. Now before I go on with this tangent… Fair warning: It isn’t happy. I had been in Panama for about 10 months at that point and was chugging along pretty ok. I had remained pretty busy doing this and that and bee bopping around the country. I didn’t have a ton of free time or time to sit and really realize what was happening. After november things slowed down a LOT and I took the time to try and relax. That quickly turned into a state of depression I’m not exactly proud of. Going from 100 to 0 really messed with my body, routine and mental well being. I watched far too much netflix and started to ignore friends. I spent a lot of time in my bed just passing time. It was a few weeks later my best friend from home was no longer having my pity party and made me start to move and groove again (thanks for the kick start, Brooke)… but I have to say those feelings are still there. I get up every morning and work a lot and have found new ways to make myself busy… But more often than not I find myself wanting to get back into bed the second I wake up. Going home exacerbated this quite a bit. Being in a home where I was comfortable and loved and felt useful was really great but also made me start to question my decision to join the Peace Corps. I had the hardest time saying goodbye this time and am not 100% sure that I would be able to say goodbye in the state I am in again.

Peace Corps is a really cool program and a wonderful opportunity-but it is not for the faint of heart. I’m sure I could get into all the white saviorism stuff and use some social justice jargon-but i won’t. I will say that I’m trying very hard to try and reign in my own personal growth needs and remain open to doing things in a more sustainable way (through the peace corps lense) even if that requires me to learn how to meditate so that I don’t blow a fuse over a little thing. Trying to work in a different country and culture can be very taxing. The United States mind frame of time is money is very ingrained in me. I often find myself saying that things are “wasting my time” here but I also recognize how unfair that is. My time isn’t anymore valuable than anyone else’s and people down here don’t value time like I do, and that is ok. It is a hard thing to try and remind yourself on a daily basis. Trying to seperate your own biases and opinions to really immerse yourself in another culture isn’t a cake walk. Believe it or not I am not a perfect person, friend or even worker. I just try my best everyday and hope that people will meet me halfway. I have to remind myself everyday, sometimes every hour, that I am enough and that what I’m doing is (arguably) enough. I can’t do more than I can do (That slogan should be the new Live Love Laugh) and that is ok. If I spend two years down here and only really reach one person with the sexual health talks, women empowerment workshops or english to inspire traveling… that should be ok.

In my time since November, I’ve been up to a lot. I will just briefly highlight some things for now. We had an all volunteer party called Holiday Party in December. It was so much fun! My province won the volleyball tournament which is all I really cared about. I got to spend the whole day playing volleyball with friends and hanging out. I was really nervous about the party because having 200 people around drinking the whole time was a little daunting but overall it was really fun. Bought some artesania from people’s gente and heard some really cool stories from other PCVs communities. It was fun to see all of the groups and provinces all together. Soon the teaching english group that got in before me will leave so it was nice to spend some quality time with them!

Then I went home for the holidays… 

Then I came back and immediately started working again. But I also got the unique opportunity to help at several peoples summer camps! It was a really fun time to get to see other parts of panama and get to see what life is like working with kids. While I do sometimes find myself thinking “what if” about my service… I think I was placed in the right place because after just one week with kids I was spent. I was so tired of all the noise and movement! Kudos to people who work with kids because in all honesty.. While I know I could do it.. I’m not sure I could do it with as much grace as these other PCVs. But it is a really neat thing to have a kid meet you one time and then decide that you’re their friend and come up and hug you and want to spend time together. That made me warm up and smile quite a lot. But it is also hard to try and manage 30 kids at one time.. Especially in another language. But these kiddos have a lot of patience with my spanish and think it’s funny. One young girl was shocked that I could speak english. I had to explain to her that I had to learn spanish like she is learning english in her classes. She thought it was amazing and it made me feel really good for a second that I could maybe help her understand that she could do this too one day! Kids have such a cool outlook on life but often times aren’t treated like they know what is happening around them. It was cool to spend the week speaking positively and encouraging to them. Now… I wasn’t always that patient with every kid. There are always particularly difficult ninos that need extra love but ask for it in really backward ways… I have a hard time connecting with those kids even though i KNOW they need more patience than the average kid.

Besides these camps I was at my own school trying to, once again, explain my role to my counter parts. I’m trying to not be a YES man this year and work more within the framework of the peace corps and not make this year the Kallie Show. It is really hard and frustrating for everyone involved to be honest and disappointing people is really hard for me. But even though I will walk away from the Peace Corps without really being able to see the fruits of the trees that I’m only planting seeds for… I want to walk away knowing that the seeds are solidly planted and not just half assed put into the ground in an easy way. I will be working more solidly with the professors and trying to get them more involved this year. I have so many project ideas but my ideas forced onto a school isn’t why i’m here. I am here to support and give new ideas and help professors who are wanting to better their school. People in countries with the PC don’t NEED us. They don’t NEED to change anything. But often times they are wanting to and willing to listen. That is the difference and I’m hoping to not make my service a white savior thing where I impose my ideas on everyone. I would like to share culture and ideas but also learn from my counterparts and work in tandem with them instead of force feeding my own agenda (this is way easier said than done).

Besides work at the school I was elected to be on what is basically the PC version of student council. My board is called “GAD”-Gender Advocacy and Diversity. I joined because I have recently decided to no longer sit idly by getting more involved in gender and diversity issues. I know they are difficult to read and hear about, and for years i felt that i wasn’t meant to be involved because I was just a white female. But I no longer want to stay silent. I want to bring issues to everyone and talk about them openly and in a safe space. We went to the city for a week for the transition meetings… It was a lot of work (a lot more than i anticipated) but I am looking forward to the challenge that the year will bring for me.

Ok those are the best updates for this. I am going to write a full other blog about Carnaval and the locura that transpired there. But to sign off I will say- I am trying very hard to be happy and present here. It isn’t always easy with the access to the internet and talking to people from home that I have. But I enjoy the work I do and the challenge it is bringing. I often find myself complaining more than counting my blessings which is a mindset that I am trying to change slowly. I’ve been trying to run/work out a bit more.. But the fact that it is 35 degrees (Look up the celsius conversion) out consistently everyday makes it hard. BUT I am trying… Trying to stay positive and trying my hardest to stay cool.

Thank you for staying patient with the long time in between blogs!