Thanksgiving has been a particularly sore subject for me to think on the last 4 years. Two of the years I was in Japan (What no way, Kallie, you were in Japan? For sure no one knew that…). The first year I was surrounded by other Americans as I still had people in the group in which I trained with and it was filled with lots of love and laughter. I chose to remember it by the sight of 10 pairs of shoes in the doorway of an apartment and everyone being impressed that I was able to find “real” bacon. I remember buying a new sweater and straightening my hair to impress the slough of guests at a friends apartment that didn’t even belong to me. My introverted self was in the tiny tiny kitchen most of the morning with a smile and the catch phrase “nah, I got this, you go enjoy”. But in all honesty, the food wasn’t top notch and frankly neither was the company. There were several Australians and one British male present who CLEARLY didn’t understand how hard it was for ME to be away from home. How dare they just come over and eat food and not even… what, kallie? To this day I cannot tell you what I expected of them, but I remember feeling anxious and angry the whole day. I was later chastised during a game of Cards Against Humanity for picking a card that basically said… Well since my grandparents are reading this I wont say. BUT I stand by the card I chose, anyone in my family would have laughed at it! It was a weird and hard day, but overall I do remember it fondly. 

The next year didn’t go exactly the same as most of my training group had left Japan and I didn’t have any Americans in my vicinity to share with. So I took it upon myself to make a whole thanksgiving meal by myself (sans the turkey) and invite my Welsh friend over. When I answered the door (In another new sweater) I smiled and said “Happy Thanksgiving!” To which he replied “Right… where do I put the Tom Yum soup?” It was a lovely evening. We drank martenellis sparkling apple cider and laughed at the fact that my “yams” were purple sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. The next day I made similar things for my closest Japanese friend who had never experienced a Thanksgiving and we had an equal amount of fun. I felt like a pro at this point as I had spent two full thanksgivings away from home. It was less sad, but I still felt a part of me was missing something I couldn’t put my finger on. If you are going to continue reading this let me explain something-I still don’t know what the missing piece is.

One year was in the States but in Florida, where my parents happened to be living at the time. It was all my favorite foods but we ate outside in the nice weather and even surrounded by people who love me enough to laugh at my crude jokes, something felt off. 

This year was a whole new ball park. Most of my friends here are American as most of my friends are fellow volunteers. The Thursday of my friend Courtney and myself made our way to Boquete to watch some parades and eat some good food. Expectation: Quiet morning filled with lots of yummy food, giggling about… whatever it is we giggle about… watching some low key bands play soft music and have plenty of space to see anything, the sun would be behind some clouds and we would enjoy a nice breeze. Enter reality: it was a national holiday and everything was closed, national holiday parade is basically like saying PLEASE EVERYONE SOME SIT IN THE SAME SPOT AND WATCH, oh, did I mention how LOUD bands are? The cherry? It started pouring ten min into us getting breakfast at a place that was way further than I anticipated walking in a pair of not-really-meant-for-walking shoes. Not my scene, to say the least. So we left early and came back to my place. We watched a few movies and ate honey ginger stir fry. This was only the very day of thanksgiving… the next day I was hosting 13 people from all over my province to have our own thanksgiving! I woke up and made French toast as is a tradition in my house, and my buddy Jake made the eggs. Courtney, Jake and I went “Black Friday” thrift shopping and I found some really funky fresh things! My expectation of the day went as follows:

Zoom in from a snow frosted window to a room full of people sitting around on the floor and sofas as I don’t have many seats. Everyone is in sweaters and wearing their nice pants. All you can hear is soft laugher and clinking of glassware as people eat, drink and make merry. Hand turkeys adorn my wall because I made a fun little drinking game and everyone loves to craft. Zoom out of the snow frosted window will a warm heart and a mind at ease knowing that thanksgiving was put right again.

Reality: Dinner was supposed to start at 3, and everyone started showing up around 3:30. Potatoes were put on my hot plate (previously mentioned to everyone that cooking was NOT to be done at my house as I don’t really have the equipment) to boil at 3:20. Cheese and crackers were laid out but the level of noise started to go up in my house as more people arrived. Music was blaring in the background and not a single merriment was heard over it. My sofa was pulled out and pushed flat to make a make-shift table and we sat around it Japanese style. Someone had to bring extra fans because it was hotter than hades that day and my house can HOLD heat. Everyone told me how hot it was, as if I didn’t live in it everyday. We decided to proceed without potatoes as they were not making progress. We had to make some province decisions about a big all volunteer party (Holiday Party) we will be competing at soon enough and that was basically like Uncles fighting over who shot JFK over the dinner table. I sat and picked at my food (well, I scarfed it in reality, just didn’t look up to add to the convo) and let everyone hash it out. After several people left, 6 remained and we all played a “pizza box” drinking game. It was wildly entertaining and I particularly like the rule that was “compliment our hostess and drink” because.. well I have an ego. There was no frosted window and I’m not sure how I keep forgetting how noisy life really is…Not one potato was eaten that day.

That feeling… It remained. Something was missing and I didn’t know how to feel about it. I was surrounded by love, good conversation, great food and people whom I respect immensely… But no matter how hard you try, it is hard to emulate home. I think this is an attitude I need to check at the door and figure out how to overcome it. It is something I’m struggling with currently and not sure how I feel, especially since I’ve chosen and continue to choose to live away form where I call home. 

I am grateful for the thanksgiving I had here at my house and for the wonderful humans who made it possible. And I hope in the future I can host a thanksgiving with a more grateful heart BEFORE hand.

Besides the actual day… Panama is a little weirdly obsessed with thanksgiving in the schools. I attended four different thanksgiving celebrations. One of which I was a lip sync battle and cake judge (pumpkin cheesecake with a glazed apple top won.. yum) and one of which was for my school. I was forced to go up on stage with all the other professors (who actually do an amazing job) and recognized and thanked along side them. I felt so so under qualified but very special none the less. Twice I had to give an impromptu speech about what thanksgiving was REALLY like in the states. I’m not sure if they expected me to put on a yule log and tear up about cranberries.. but I’m sad to say both of my speeches were basically me saying “Well its hard for me to be away from home… Some families watch football, but not mine… I like marshmallows on sweet potatoes” then I would shrug and blush and everyone clapped. It was a real show stopped, let me tell you. 

I didn’t realize how long this post was going to be, but I hope my loyal readers (hello my family) are enjoying. The final thing I’d like to touch on is the endless summer. As most of my family is in Arizona, I’m not sure this will make much sense to you. But seeing Christmas decorations and it being 90 degrees DO NOT MATCH. Time doesn’t pass with seasons here and it has started to really throw me off. It is almost like reverse seasonal depression or some bad version of Groundhog Day where I’ll wake up march 2021 and be ready to go home but not really sure how time even passed. It is a weird twilight zone in which I’m not sure I can ever really be accustomed to. The endless summer isn’t giving me extra vitamin D and endorphins… It, in all brutal honesty, had made me hate the sunshine a little. I spend a lot of time inside in front of a fan praying for rain in the evening. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still happy down here and loving what I do… but the endless summer… the non stop heat… the constant sun… it isn’t my favorite part of the country to say the least. It has made my mood drop from happy go lucky to surviving the day. 

Now, this isn’t meant to garner pity or make you worry. This is meant to stay honest about what I’m feeling as some people (thank you Grandma) told me that perhaps my writing wasn’t reflecting what I am REALLY feeling. What I am REALLY feeling is hot and lost 90% of the time. What I’m really feeling is like the scene in Pulp Fiction where John Travolta is holding his coat waiting and spins around with a “what” motion. BUT I am figuring it out slowly but surely. I love the province I’m in, even if I don’t appreciate the city. I love the people I work with even if I don’t get to see them often. I love my host family and school even if their timing and schedules don’t exactly match with what I want (but I want it NOW!) I am working on patience and mindfulness and doing things with intention. That is how I’m doing.

So what am I grateful for? Four thanksgiving meals… the full use of all my limbs… the fact that most stores don’t play Christmas music on repeat… cranberry sauce being available in this country… the ability to look my sadness in the face and stick my tongue out at it in a “nanny nanny boo boo” sort of way, even if I don’t understand it fully… and people willing to celebrate Thanksgiving with me every year even if they don’t understand it. 

A grateful heart is a happy heart! Or so Madame Blueberry from Veggie tales taught me…

Ya esta. Feliz acción de gracia todo!