I’d like to preface this by saying that this is going to be what they call “un puerco-un poquito de todo” (a pig- a little of everything). I realize this makes little sense-but welcome to my life. There are giant bags of vegetables (photo below) that people sell and call them “puercos”. This is where I shrug and just roll with the punches. The puercos are pretty cool, full to the brim of almost every veggie that is grown in the area, fresh as heck and only $5! The amount of veggies would easily run to be like $25 in the states. That’s just a little fun fact to wet your whistle.

Next fun fact! Ah, yes, the “ito” thing. So, especially in my host family, they add “ito” or “ita” to the end of almost anything to make it mean “a little” of whatever it is. Did you know taquitos are just a way to say little taco? Came to that earth shattering realization about 3 weeks ago (before you roll your eyes-check yourself, if I was smart all the times… I never would be. Wait.. what?). As I was saying-my host sister and mother in particular are famous for it. “Kallie you are going to wake up ‘tempraniiiito'”(Temprano is early, tempranito is a nice way of saying it? I realize half that sentence is in English and it would have been in Spanish in my real life). But, this fun little culture tidbit has actually been both a hindrance and a blessing for my Spanish learning. It mostly consists of me repeating a word or asking for clarification more than necessary, but it also consists of my host sister and I crying from laughing at a sentence we can put together using as many “ito”s as possible. It makes everything sound super cute and little (if you know me at all, you know how much I love little things). An important factor is that the word goes up in intonation at the end. It isn’t just tempranito it’s tempraniiiiiiito (voice goes up on the ‘i’). I quite enjoy it. I’ll take the hindrance half of the equation any day if it means getting to bond over hilarious sentences. Another fun little thing is that poco means little, poquito is like a little little and my host sister is fond of saying poqitito which is like a little little little something. That one had me in stitches the first time I heard it.

Now, before you go thinking that I am fluent in Spanish, I’d like to set the record straight. I AM NOT. Most of my day consists of polite listening while trying desperately to try and keep up with native pace. It is filled with awkward silences and people talking over me as I bumble my way through a sentence. It is mostly me wide eyed thinking “IT IS LIKE THEY ARE TRYING TO SPEAK TO ME I KNOW IT”. It’s people looking afraid to speak to me when they see me in the halls at school because they KNOW that I’m not going to understand them. It’s me practicing a sentence in my head 100 times before I cowboy up and try to say it, only to forget the second I open my mouth. Learning a second language is not easy, it’s not always fun and it sure as heck is more frustrating than not. That being said-it is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I think sometimes I am more fortunate I didn’t come in with a super high level because (and I’ve been OVERLY blessed/lucky/fortunate in this way) people see the sheer terror on my face mixed with active listening skills and often slow down for me. They take the time to explain things, help me out and allow the strain in the conversation because I am genuinely trying. So, for those out there learning a second language (こんにちは日本人友達!), it is not easy for everyone but trying is key! Keep plugging away! I don’t enjoy speaking/trying all day everyday, sometimes not even everyday…but I do it despite that.

Ok… Host family situation? Now, if you are a PCV in my group and don’t want to compare your sites or my experiences with yours… maybe scroll down a bit? Once again I’ve been plopped down into the most perfect situation for me. In the PC we are expected to be integrated into the community which entails something they have coined as “pasear”ing… Which is a Spanish word, but not used that way for Spanish speakers… confusing, I know. ANYHOW! In my “site” (I say that because let’s be clear here… I live in the second largest city in Panama and there is no way I’m expected to do the same sorts of things) I literally cannot pasear because of the sheer size and (close your eyes for the next part, Grammy) little bit of danger of the “site”. So, I am heavily reliant on my host family and co-workers to introduce me to people and show me the ropes. That being said-I am in the perfect family for me. I live with two older “host parents” and their older (my age-ish) daughter. Get this-she is an ENGLISH TEACHER! So not only does she have the patience of a saint, she is able to explain things to me when I’m clearly not understanding them, she knows how hard it is to learn a language and she makes sure I get enough time to speak. It is really important for me, because my lack of Spanish is often a burden and a huge obstacle in forming friendships which I desperately need here. So, I’ve already been able to become fast friends (dare I say… sisters?!-Sorry, Kiki… You’re not being replaced) with her and it’s meant the world to me. She and my host mom take me everywhere and sit and slowly speak with me. They’ve taught me how to take the bus (I’ll get to the hand holding frustration in a bit…), taken me to grocery shops, helped orient me in my “site”, helped me meet new people, taken me on several day trips… I could go on. They are truly amazing women and people. My host dad is also a card, they’ve hosted a few different people here over the years and he was worried because he doesn’t speak English. He told me he was relieved I speak Spanish (that was generous of him to say) and that he would like me to teach him English! So every morning we start with small things and I’ve seen him already start to use the few new words I’ve taught him. He is so cheerful and sweet. I’m actually quite at home here with this family and feel so happy that I’ll have them for the 2 years! They also know about my blog and often stop and show me things to take photos of and say “para el blog”, so I’ll never be short of photos!

My service thus far: People as me “Kallie, what exactly do you do in the PC?” and by people, I mean myself… in the mirror. My life here, so far (and let’s be honest for the foreseeable few months) is one big shrug. I go to a University for my service-fact. I am expected to help with English in some capacity- fact. I speak English-fact. There is coffee at the University-fact. There are students at the University-fact. Confused, yet? Me too. To be honest, I am still quite unsure what my role will be for the next few years, but another fact? I’m not super worried about it right now. I know that the students enjoy speaking with me, I know the professors have ideas of what they’d like from me, I know that I’ll be semi helpful to at least a few people… so why worry about the great details? Every PCV has a unique service (for anyone thinking about joining and can’t find info on the internet… I know why now…) and that comes with unique challenges. All I know, for now, is that my time here is going to be challenging and so so worth it. So far the biggest challenge has been trying to balance this feeling of being overwhelmed and yet slightly bored. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually have a ton of free time, but while I’m at the school, my life feels like I’m standing in an empty feild saying “whaaaaaaaat do I even doooooo?” which is weird because I’m also staring down the barrel of a two year gun thinking “What could I possibly even do here?” There is also just a fair amount of awkward questions that I can’t answer and a sense from the other professors that I know better than them only because I’m American. It’s not true. I don’t claim to know better than anyone, I just have different ideas, experiences and opinions. I will have to be more clear on that in the future, I think. Making sure that no one thinks of me as some savior, rather a helping hand.

My emotional health in total is hard to put into words for people who didn’t/haven’t gone through this. I realize that is a cop-out. It is true, though. I find extreme comfort speaking with my cohort and just complaining about the littlest things that sometimes make you want to snap. Like when I was given dry cereal in a wine cup with a fork (DO NOT GET ME WRONG I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR ALL I HAVE AND RECEIVE), it was just one of those things that was like… what is this even? Or the “Hand holding” thing. Now, I know I’ve said it a million times in this post already but I want to reiterate that I am seriously so grateful for everything I have. That being said being almost 30 (gasp) and being told that I cannot take a bus home becauseI am like someones “little girl” can be a bit frustrating. I often feel like a child of divorce just being tossed around without being asked what I want or what I think. Being treated like a child who has never lived aboard or couldn’t possible be able to figure things out on my own is sometimes more than I can handle. I realize, though, that this is my reaction to the situation and that these things are being done out of love and I have to constantly check myself about them everyday. Being able to wake up with an open mind and willing attitude has been one of the more challenging things in my service thus far. It’s been a challenge to try and battle the feeling of standing in void but also having so much motivation and so many things I know I could get done. For example, yesterday I came in with the intention at school to ask my coordinator what she expected of me or wanted. I thought I knew the answer and I was proven wrong pretty quickly. I felt like I was at square one but after our conversation I was completely outside the square trying to even figure out how to get footing to think about square one. So I sat in the office and stared for a full hour, I realized that I wasn’t going to change my whole service that day, so I went home. I drank a bunch of water and took a nap, because that was the best I could do for myself that day. Sometimes it’s ok to be Scarlett O’hara and say “I’m not going to think about this today, I’ll think about it tomorrow.” I know all my problems won’t magically be solved after a nap, but they certainly weren’t made worse. Finding new coping mechanisms and forgiving myself are life lessons that I am slowly but surely learning.

I think I’ve taken up enough time for this post! I’ve taken some cool trips I’ll talk about in the next post as I’d like to do them justice. Plus some interesting cultural tid-bits. So stay tuned! For now, just know that I am balancing between overwhelmed and very happy. Nos vemos!