So, per usual, let’s start with where I am and go from there. I am writing this blog post from my new site-drum roll please-DAVID! (Pronounced like da-veed). I am working in the provincial capital in Chiriquí. Before anyone asks-yes I am extremely happy with it. I am going to get the opportunity to work closely with people with whom I can actually impact and that was a priority for me. For those of you who know me and what my expectations where… I am a little sad. Before even fully clicking the “send” button on my application, I had envisioned living in a tree house surrounded by kids making some sort of delicious bread or something just cumbayaing myself into a happy little world when the credits would roll. Now, also for those who know me… You know that that wouldn’t have been ideal anyway. SO! While I will be way more comfortable than I lead on before I left, I am no less excited to be here in this moment doing the darn thing.

I have so much to say and I hope you’re all strapped in. Let’s talk about the last weekend and go from there. In a typical, what I know like to call #mypclyfe, fashion, the water in my training community ran out for 3 days. So as I am trying to pack, wash my clothes and generally keep good hygiene… the one thing I needed left and or “se fue” as they say. And, an added bonus, was that all the water reserve my family usually had was also gone due to some not very important to me reasons. SO! Here I am, fully sweating in the stifling heat, sweating with anxiety and unable to shower. I was on the verge of “NOPE”. I had to physically remove myself from my group of wonderful humans for a night and just moist towlet it and meditate on what the issue with my attitude really was. PST (pre-service training) literally rocked my world. I’ll let the reader determine if that is in a good or bad way. They say this is “the toughest job you’ll ever love” and that PST is “the hardest thing you’ll do in your life” and let’s stop to scoff at that for a second. I know that it isn’t the HARDEST thing I’ll ever do, but I’m not going to lie… it was pretty friggin’ rough. 19 of us are thrown into (a loving) community with a strange (but also loving and open and giving) family who doesn’t speak my language. Strike one. I was with 19 other people going through similar and yet totally different experiences. Strike two. We all had to deal with home and the future and the past and do it with a smile on our face (I’ll get into how amazing my G 84 Fam is soon). Strike three. We have to learn about technical things, english teaching things, life skill things, ON TOP OF being an open vulnerable person. Strike four. I am homesick and just want to be able to communicate with the host family but often fall short in my Spanish skills. Strike five. We wait 9/10 weeks to finally learn where we are going, after getting into this cozy family of 19, we know that on the horizon we will all be separated. Strike six. I could go on, but I won’t. PST was super exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, ergonomically, politically, and another “ally” words. THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT TANGENT was that I couldn’t shower and felt that I was making a huge mistake even suspecting I could swear in. There was a day, after a big presentation (which I totally bombed my Spanish in, by the way) that I had to walk away and ALMOST told them “thanks, but no thanks”. I did not feel that I was enough. I did not feel prepared. I did not feel that I should have been there. But as I stood crying hysterically, I watched a rooster sprint full speed up a hill and something clicked in my heart or brain or whatever cheesy organ you want to use. I knew this was where I am supposed to be. I started laughing alone and the tears felt lighter. My chest loosened up as I realized how ridiculous I was being. Of course I am enough-because I want to be here… so badly. So long story long is, the last few days of training in the training community were some of the toughest I’ve had yet. I had to walk through a Mango graveyard to get home, and to leave the house (have you ever tried carrying a 50lb bag through loose rocks and fallen mangoes? #bucketlist). But I left the final day after finally taking a shower (Easter miracle) and with a full/sad heart. My experience with my first ever host family was so beautiful and difficult and wonderful and challenging. I’ve kept in contact with all of them so far, and plan to for a very very long time. They met my mom (hi, mom) over facetime and are excited to meet whoever comes to visit me in Panamá. A true second family! I’ve been told the doors are always open for me, and it’s insane how much it’s meant to me. How can somebody only know you for 9 weeks and be so willing to just love you unconditionally and support you? I often don’t feel worthy of the love, but strive to make it so that their love and kindness did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. We had a small party to thank the families the last week! It was so so hot I didn’t enjoy it, but I enjoyed the time together!!

Quick funny update? I went on a weekend (one night) get away with most of my G84 TELLS fam and got to see a beautiful beach. Also swam in a pool! Want to know what happens when you swim in an overly chlorinated pool with bleached hair? You guessed it! I have green hair. The trip over all was so amazing and even traveling with 14 of us, things went smoothly (ok for the most part… there were some hilarious hiccups) but everyone stayed calm and friendly. I really appreciated that. It was nice to get out of town for even a night and just chill. Also played and won 2nd place in a volleyball tournament!

Let’s see… Site announcement? So, as per my last paragraph, I said I’ll be working in David FULL in the center of downtown of the second largest city in Panamá. It is not the life I expected and to any other PCV or future PCV or someone curious about the PC reading this-I wouldn’t use my experiences as a base for expectations. I am going to have a very different life and work style than my whole G84 fam and most other volunteers. I am going to be working in the University (not usual) and I will be supporting Professors who are teaching young students wanting to teach English-Let’s look at that fun English: teaching teachers who teach how to teach. Fun, right? I’m still unclear and unsure of my role because I am the first of my kind here in Chiriquí. But, that is the gist of it. I was welcomed to the school on Saturday with the entire English Department, I walked into the building of 80 plus students in pink polos with their phones out cheering for me, like I was some sort of celebrity! I am glad it’s so hot here and sweating is common place because the amount of blushing I did out of embarrassment was insane. I took a tour of the building and my counter part introduced me to ALL the classrooms and students, I gave a short intro in Spanish about myself (impromptu, of course) and in some classes they asked to see my Japanese skills (I’m just going to pretend I’m fluent my entire time here) it was overwhelming and exciting all at once. I am a little nervous I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, and that I cannot live up to the expectations of my school, but I am certainly ready to give it my all! I have been welcomed with such love and openness! I already feel I am part of the college “family” and really look forward to supporting everyone and getting to know things slowly. I’ve already been invited to join people for church, the movies, surfing, weekend trips to the Mt. and more! It’s insane how just being from a different country you are suddenly a desired item, I want to make sure they know I’m not any more special than they are and that my time with them is equally valuable and important to me. I’m always told that it’s a good oppurtunity for students to hear and speak with a native speaker so they can hear and practice pronunciation and fluidity, which I understand. And I often have trouble standing up for myself, so in order to become good or at least communicative in Spanish, I will have to be very intentional with whom I speak and what I do. I want to improve my own language skills while supporting others in trying out their English. It’s difficult to balance but I’m sure I’ll be able to do it as long as I am intentional about it.

Ok qué mas…. My new host family is already a dream. It is also a smaller family, but my host sister and host mother both speak english really well so when I can’t think of something I can switch to English (blessing and a curse). Usually I speak Spanish to my host sister and she replies in English. It is really similar to my experiences in Japan only reverse. Language comprehension is much easier for me and usually others so listening is never the issue. It is a weird dichotomy that I can understand so easily but when I need to open my mouth I can find exactly ZERO words to spew out. But, I’m already very happy that she feels comfortable enough to practice with me. It is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and sisterhood. We’ve already decided we want to have our own private “girls group” some weekends to practice English, or just jabber jaw or something. I think it is a really important part of life to be able to have confidants and have a safe space where you can share and practice something and make mistakes and still feel love and support. I am so excited that the first full day here, when I asked about groups in the areas, my host sister didn’t hesitate to say yes when I suggested doing something together. It really warmed my heart to know that she already has trust and confidence in me to do that. Sometimes (like I mentioned above) I think people assume because I’m American that I know more about life and the world, but I don’t. I am learning everything slowly and changing myself and my thinking daily. I hope I can break that view of Americans from the POV of foreign countries. It is true we have more opportunities, but it doesn’t make us experts on anything. I hope that I can create a space where people feel comfortable to learn together and not just from me.

Ok! The G84 TELLS Family. I do mean FAMILY. Over the 10 weeks we all became so close. Even the trainers said we had a unique group dynamic and it was truly a blessing to be apart of it. Whatever you want to say makes it so-I always end up in places where I feel so so lucky/blessed/fortunate to be there. Always the right place right time. This group all comes from different places (obvi.), backgrounds, experiences, ideas, opinions, senses of humor.. and yet I can say with full confidence that I trust, love and respect every single person. Even those I didn’t get to know, or with whom I don’t share similar opinions, I respect greatly. We have a very open and honest culture with each other and I think that every single person is going to do amazing things in their site. I really hope that other groups feel similarly about their people as I do about mine because I’ve never felt such love and support as I do with them. We did what we called “circle time” in the beginning. In a session with our whole G84 group (there are two sectors) we had an “how to be an ally” training that didn’t go over so well, and left us with what we came to call “emotional blue balls” (sorry grandparents reading this). But as the TELLS group, we decided to take a negative situation and make it a smaller circle and a better atmosphere. We opened up the floor to talk about the blue balls and how they effected us and why we are the way we are (all that hippy stuff). Creating that safe and smaller space really brought us together as a group. We did circle time a few more times, the last I think was the best. A member of our group facilitated a compliment circle in which we all went around saying what a particular person meant to us one by one making eye contact (difficult in these situations) and being honest and genuine about how that person affected you. It was truly an amazing opportunity to both hear and say moments that maybe was just a normal passing thing to one person and changed someone else’s perspective on PST or life. It made me so grateful and also realize that while these things are hard and often embarrassing to say-you should say them. Don’t brush it off, don’t think they won’t appreciate it. Some of the things people said to me were moments I was insecure or unsure about but they kept them in their hearts. It is nice to hear that you’re doing well. It is also nice to give those moments or those little “thank yous” to people. On the other hand, our group is also close enough now that giving and receiving criticisms or constructive feedback is so well received and people can easily take them without feeling it is an attack. The communication is so open and honest in our group and I cannot express enough how much they all mean to me. I respect and LOVE the heck out of all of them. So for those asking, I have certainly made friends-18 new besties! Also a few people I’m closer/closest with… but there isn’t one person in my group whom I don’t consider a friend. Oh… did I mention they voted me like “most improved/best representation of the group”? So. That totally didn’t make me bawl my eyes out.

Mailing? I finally have my address and am willing to share with anyone who is willing to send me goodies :). Please just email me and let me know.

I feel this was just a wrap up to explain my last week and why I was a bit radio silent, but I will write a blog soon about the smells, sights, sounds and other “s” words about David!

I’ve been trying to write this blog post since Friday (it’s Monday) but keep getting distracted or pulled to do some cool things with my new family! I’ll have to just stop where I was and make another post some other time about my fun first weekend! All I will say is I’m super happy. I’m also already overwhelmed and bored (those are weird feelings to try and balance). But I’m also super ready to really start and sad to have said goodbye to my family. So I have a lot of emotions, is what I’m trying to say (tell no one). Even as I sit here trying to finish up, there is someone welding something right outside my window just casually. I am never in a quiet space, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Until next time, Ciao!